Surrender

 

I was watching this movie, Eat Pray Love starring Julia Roberts in my downloaded archives today. To tell you frankly I wasn't very optimistic about watching this film because I know for a fact that when a book is translated to moving pictures, it's never the same. Sometimes, you get frustrated at how it turns out. So many books I think have been exaggerated or underestimated because of how it was badly represented in the cinema. It's really just sad.

But I thought, I'd give it a shot. I mean it's Julia Roberts. So, I was just sitting the entire time. Everything that was shown I kept recalling my past read. You see, I have already read the book about two years ago. It was written by Elizabeth Gilbert, now my favorite writer, traveler, amazing individual. I think when you know the quality of what you are reading, you want to preserve that and just be contempt with your imagination because then you are moving and using your own creativity, to think, to imagine and maybe to translate in your own terms. But then here comes the movies. Well, I don't necessarily hate them, it's just that I really have high expectations. That's it.

So while everything was going as I remembered it would be, the eating in Italy, praying in India and Finding true love in Bali, I kept thinking about my kid. I guess I missed him, really missed him. The thing is, he spends the day everyday at his grandma's house (mother of my partner). We prepare his clothes and feeding bottles in the morning and send him there. At night, we pick him up together with his belongings and he sleeps with us in our apartment. This is the set-up I have grown to have used to because his father's aunt can take care of him full-time,when I still had a job away from home. I resisted at first thinking of the hassle and what a big trouble it was to do every single time sending and fetching him. The idea of it bothered me.

Thinking about it now, I could have taken this chance right here to spend with my kid. I would know his first steps, his tricks, all his antics. He has grown so much and so fast that there are so many things I would be surprised because at his tender age he has already learned to do. As a matter of fact, he knows how to control the ball using his feet. That's right. He can be well on his way to becoming one of the Azkals, the most popular Football team in the Philippines. If I tell him to kick, he will. Basketball is one option too because he knows how to dribble and shoot. It's crazy. He likes all the guy stuff. Well, he is.

There's no denying it, I would rather have him with me especially these times when my only occupation is using the Internet. I have the prerogative when to work and when not to. I am flexible. I can decide. I have the freedom. It's all up to me. But I can't. Sometimes the whole idea just bugs me and I really just want to throw it out the window. It's so complicated that I don't want to even discuss it with my partner. He wouldn't understand either.  I mean we are in this level where we still don't have our own place and deciding which side the kid should be is like choosing who can take care best. And that's not a very good spot to be in.

But who cares, right? I mean, does it make me a terrible mother not to be with him physically 24/7? Is that such a mean act? But they want him there. His grandma offered and his father, well he's the very reason I said yes to the whole thing even if I'm the one who has to make the bigger sigh. It's just that he likes to see his kid all the time and easily because his shop is just right outside their house. He would play with him anytime and can check up on him conveniently. I see it in him that he is really happy to be with his kid. It's like his most priced possession. So I surrendered.

Sometimes, I react to people especially mothers who can take in their guts to leave their children to work or whatever. Because, it's not right. I mean, kids should be with their mother. But now that I am in the position not exactly the same but quite similar, I guess I understand better what they are going through. Leaving your kids for someone to take better care of them or sacrificing your time with them so they don't turn out like those people in the streets is one huge hole in their hearts but it is necessary.

As a mother, your work is not only to be there for your kid, your role is to lead your kid. So that they grow up as good people, well mannered and can make sound decisions. And doing that sometimes entails a little bit of sacrifice.

As for me, it's still a long way ahead. This set-up can still be changed.