Mind over Love: Is it possible?

" Jam, I think we're over."

" So, is it really final?"

" I think so. But he doesn't want to talk about it yet. He got mad. He said we will talk about it after two months, after he takes his board exam."

" Ok. I see."

" But Jam, I am not happy anymore. I want to break up with him. But it's my fault."

" What? What is?"

" It's my fault because I'm insisting we split and he will still take the national board exam. I would ruin his career."

For so many times, we (most women at least) think that we are responsible for the happiness or ruin of a man's life. In many scenarios of friends and my experience in particular, we stay in a relationship because we worry about the other person's well-being after we call it quits. 

We believe that in some cosmic way, after we imposed closure that these guys would end their lives too. Well, there are rare cases of that but seriously, men? They don't linger on problems or heartaches. They actually move on faster than we think. Not unless he is already a suicidal. Even then, a beer or two and an occasional black mailing or stalking and he's over you.

Why would it be our fault if they don't pass exams? If he wants it bad enough, he will make it his priority to do so. Besides, do we have to wait for them to be happy first? So that their gigantic egos won't be too tainted with defeat? Is it a lot to take a break from a relationship that has already died years ago? What about our own egos? Do we not take pride of our selves? Do we not take care of our egos as well? I mean seriously? Why is it ever our fault to take control of our own self and happiness? Is that the kind of women we are today? Do we depend our happiness to the man we think are meant for us?

I was pissed that my friend saw little of herself. I was giving her all sorts of reasons and insults to her boyfriend. I wanted her to think. I wanted her to get herself up and be strong. I imagined her to stand up to her boyfriend and say hey, it's enough. I love myself more. I want to give myself the happiness that it so yearns that it couldn't find in you. This is a bad time for you but all the more to me because I've been stuck forever and I'm to the point of death. 

But no. She can't say that. Instead. she gave me a whole lot of reasons why it's her fault. As much as I want to help her, I stopped. It's no use. I just asked, What do you really really really want? Because, it seems to me, you still can't let go. It's you that's still clinging.Because, if you want out, you actually do it without any mince of doubt. 

True enough, she said she will just wait two months til they talk it out. But her heart was still aching. At that point, I thought I got tired. Too tired in fact that I didn't want to talk about it anymore. Sometimes, when a friend is seeking your advice all you really need to do is listen. Because even if you're giving her great pieces of advice, she wouldn't be able to hear you. She's too busy dealing with her issues in her head that there is no space to think. She's already blaming herself for everything. 

But again, what is logic when it's the heart that's speaking?

I am no expert of these things. I have so many issues of my own that I try to solve myself. I mean, I have a kid, a partner and family to deal with. It's not a bad thing but rather a challenge. How do you juggle everything else? On top of it all, where is yourself in the bigger picture? It's not something to be denied, everyone has their own set of climbing rocks. 

I posted this not to embarrass my friend. I think I care about her too much that's why I acted the way I did. Women should take care of themselves more. Because if you wouldn't, who would? We are already responsible of so many things, let's not forget ourselves. Let's not punish ourselves with inadequacies of the men we go out with. If we don't think it's going to work out, then find happiness somewhere else. The whole point of a relationship is to be happy. Sure we try and work on it but ultimately after so many takes, and still you end up in the same old rustic cobwebbed place in the attic feeling sorry for yourself, then let go. Forgive yourself and accept the fact that's its never gonna change. It's just going to be a cycle. 

If you want to end that part of you that's always suffering then do it. For your own sake.