First Day

I woke up feeling a little apprehensive about how to start my day. My thoughts have gone scrutinizing what to do first. But for some reason I guess I believed deep in my heart this is the right thing to do.

I think I have to start explaining from the weeks that passed. Seven days prior, I have been feeling so much distress about my work life. It's not that I hated my work. Damn, my colleagues were so good to me that I think to some extent, I was spoiled. But perhaps, even that won't stop me from attaining what I have envisioned for myself. It's really not enough.

You see, I worked at a government office. I was a Job Order. It means that my contract would be renewed every month (that if I did my job well) and I had no benefits whatsoever. If I wanted I have to do it myself. I had no problem with that when I was single and had no kid. Now that I have one and I'm starting a family, I guess waiting for another two years for the regularization won't do it for me. So, I quit.

There are so many things I had to consider. I went through it on and on. I weighed my options, even putting the whole perspective into another angle, considering the many parts and sacrifices with losing a job. After all, the economy is not too promising with job opportunities. I even came to a point where I'd be afraid I won't be able to stand again if ever I let go of this job I have now because I am already a mom. I was so afraid. But then my job was not reassuring; I wasn't sure of where I was going either.

After taking the exam for a regular position at the agency I was working with two months ago, I thought to myself, this has to be the last time I'm taking this exam because the first one (a year ago) was not successful, I had to pass this, if not, I have to take a long walk and figure out my next option. So I did. With all my confidence, I took it hoping and praying this was it. This was my passes to a better life, a good life to provide for my kid. I was then thinking of so many ways I can have if I get the regular position. So many things I didn't need to worry about, like my kid's health insurance, housing, and his education. I had it blue printed at the back of my mind. I was excited.

That morning, my boyfriend took me to the regional office using his motorcycle.It was a great moment. I had everything fixed. I kept on remembering what I read, the Consumer Rights, etc. I was positive taking the test. But for some reason, during the morning rush, going away with the busy street, navigating the traffic signs and accelerating from slow moving cars, it dawned on me that I didn't want my life to be this way forever. I didn't want going through this route every day for the rest of my life.

I guess that picture scared me. I mean I know that we are just starting and all but I also know that getting the regular position would mean hard work, years of sacrifice and yes, motorcycle every morning. I have nothing against motorcycling at all. It's even more beneficial to me because I'm able to escape traffic. But what then?
What would my boyfriend do? Be the same forever? Sure he has plans of starting his very own business but when? He's not getting any younger. I'm not getting any younger either. And soon, we have to build our own home. We just can't be depending on our parents forever. We have to make a concrete, doable and fixed plan. And we have to start now.

The truth is that I am so happy with my life. I am so grateful. I am so thankful. Because despite what I have been through the people around me showed nothing but kindness, generosity and love. My family, friends and even co-workers have shown me to be hopeful. I have found good people and that's a privilege in this lifetime. I have a wonderful son that will soon turn 1. I can't get over him. He is the very reason I'm doing this while I still don't have tuition to pay or books to buy. I still have time to find a career that's right for me and I will grow.

As for my boyfriend, I always tell him. I will only call you my husband if we already have the papers to prove it. But I guess in his mind, that's already done and over with. Papers are just formality. I have hopes with our relationship. As long as we have the same mind, we will materialize our plans. As of now, we go on with our lives.